emptiness in me..

haha..know that it has been a long time since i last update my blog..u guys might be able to see or might not see this new post..but anyway..its alright..just wanna write out something..hehe.. =p hmm..today's my end of paper for prelims..though it's already over,but still have less than a month to the actual GCE 'O' level examination..kinda scared though..hope i can get into the course that i really want..dunno why this yr is like so hard for me to really understand and absorb things when learning..it just dunn seems to really get into my brain..or i'll forget very easily and quickly..but no matter wat..must really study hard le..and i mean it..now cant play play or joke le..haha..anw,i've achieved my target for not using the com starting from last sat till end of prelims..and i made it..1week without com..so i guess this is also the target i'll be setting for myself before sitting for my O level.. =) erm..as for now..im feeling kinda empty..haha..weird..but this kinda feeling has always been with me all these whiles..so kinda used to it..but sometimes i really wonder wat exactly am i feeling and why am i feeling this way..say it stress,but it doesnt seem so..but say it not also doesnt seem to be..feeling "fan" also like that..dunn feel "fan" also like that..its like really very xin ku sometimes or maybe i should say most of the time...really feel like crying out loud sometimes..cry out all the unhappy and troubled things i've been keeping to myself for all these yrs..but if u ask me why i cry,i dunno wat to tell u..cox just feel like crying out loud... .. that's me.. .. thinking baq..i've nvr ever been in a relationship..how does it really feel in a relationship i would not know..but to me..it might be a sweet and nice one..there is this guy whereby we almost got together,but did not eventually,to me,is a really perfect guy..helpful,caring towards elderly,shy,nice and funny sometimes is wat i've seen in him..he is very "xi xin" de those type which really makes me have a good impression on him..he was also the first and only guy who some sort like proposed to me for stead on valentine's day,though with the help of friends..cox he has not been through realtionship before,so was not that good in asking..but the way he proposed to me was rather sweet and creative..which really touches me..it is really rare to find someone u really like..becox its two sided love and not one sided love..so was really glad to know that he likes me and i like him too..but even if he've prposed to me,but one that day he did say maybe not that fast..he says wanna be frenz first,but just wanna let me know how he feels towards me..so i agreed to be frenz..we were close that time but aft 2 months later..he tell me grimly that he just wanna remain as frenz..and ever since..he has yet to contact with me again..i was really sad and heart broken..becox he's the only such a nice guy i've met and gave me hope that he can be trusted..but in the end... ..so since then,after meeting 2 similar cases of guys who give me new hope but end up upset me even before this really nice guy i've met,i've really lost faith and confidence in myself and guys..i just dunn trust them or guys anymore..just afraid and scared that i'll be deeply hurt again..so now...i've no more confidence and trust in myself and others..and have a phobia towards stepping into a new realtionship..becox now to me,be it good or bad guys i just cant seem to trust them..will keep thinking of their bad points instead of the goods..perhaps they've hurt me deep within and leave a scar that will always reminds me of the pain i've been through.. .. ... haha..kkz la..talk too much la..just feel like typing out..so...yeah..shall stop here..now my aim is to study and work real hard to prepare for my GCE 'O' Level..wishing u people out there all the best and good luck too! =) take care! ;)